Strategy One for achieving and maintaining a United Front:
- Solution Talks
The most basic aspect of presenting a United Front is not arguing in front of your children. Each parent needs to be responsible for not responding negatively if the other parent starts to bicker or complain or criticise
This is easier said than done. It’s so tempting to set the other person straight, forgetting that you’ve probably tried that many times in the past and no good came of it, or at least not for long.
So how do you become united on an issue when you don’t see eye to eye?
To start with, make sure that you and your partner really do share the same values. This is not usually a problem; it’s often the case that parents agree about their fundamental values but don’t agree about how to convey them to their children.
Be warned: you and your partner could wax eloquent about any family problem because you know it so well. You could explore every nuance of the issue; you could probe into every little nook and cranny. But you’ve probably noticed that talking at length about problems usually just makes you more upset, which makes it harder to think constructively about solutions. And the more you talk about a problem, the more likely you are to blame someone – either your partner, your child, the school, yourself, or ‘society’. Even if you’re not blaming, your partner may feel blamed and may become defensive, which then makes it difficult to listen to each other and to think positively.
Complaining about your child or about your partner is at best a waste of time: it brings you no closer to a solution. At worst, complaining can actually be damaging to the parent-child relationship or the couple relationship. It erodes trust and good will. If you feel you need to vent to get resentments off your chest, complain to a trusted friend, but not to your partner!
Instead, together you need to plan how both of you will teach and train the skills and habits that will lead to the values you consider important. You need to decide which rules and routines you’ll introduce and how you will follow through with rewards and consequences.
In my experience, the most effective approach to achieving this agreement, and therefore to becoming a United Front, is a strategy I teach called the fifteen-minute Solution Talk.
A Solution Talk is one of the ‘Preparing For Success’ strategies that helps family life to run much more smoothly. The aim of a Solution Talk is for you and your partner to reach a workable compromise that both of you are happy with.
A Solution Talk has specific guidelines; it isn’t an ordinary conversation or a discussion or an attempt to get your partner to see the error of their ways. A Solution Talk never lasts more than fifteen minutes, so the prospect of doing it won’t fill you with dread.
In a Solution Talk no time whatsoever is wasted on assigning fault or blame; no time is wasted on thinking about what someone should have done differently; no time is wasted on moaning or complaining. As the name indicates, the focus is entirely on finding a solution.
To improve your children’s behaviour, use the fifteen minutes of your Solution Talk to either decide on a new rule or decide to recommit to an existing rule that has been neglected; and then together plan how to follow through consistently.
You may find this hard to believe: even a thorny issue that’s been causing upset and resentment on and off for years can often be resolved in fifteen minutes. You’ll be surprised how easy it is to reach an agreement when you’re both committed to not complaining, not criticising, not arguing, and not trying to convince each other that you’re right and your partner is wrong. When those time-wasters are banned, all that’s left to do is come up with possible solutions.
How to do a Solution Talk
- Choose a neutral time. By neutral time I mean a time when neither you nor your partner is annoyed about anything or in a rush or in front of a screen. Make sure that all screens and phones are off or on silent, and that they’re out of sight.
- Don’t start the solution talk after 9:00 p.m. When you’re tired, it’s easy to get irritated and to start complaining, and it’s harder to stay focused on the positive.
- Don’t do the Solution Talk where your children might be able to overhear you. If you’re worrying about that, you won’t be able to focus your full attention on the process
- Don’t start the Solution Talk when either of you is hungry.
- Set aside fifteen minutes. Set a timer so that you don’t have to keep checking how much time is left, as that would be distracting.
- Don’t be tempted to go over the allotted time. Any longer than fifteen minutes and your focus is likely to drift away from solutions and onto talking about the problem.
- When parents are in different locations, you can do your Solution Talks via phone, Skype, Zoom, Facetime, etc.
- Alternate which parent starts first, choosing an issue to tackle. This could be a big problem or a very small one
- The parent who starts will say one sentence, and one sentence only, about an issue that is troubling or annoying them and that they want to find a solution for. It doesn’t matter whether the other parent feels the same way; a problem for one parent always becomes a problem for the couple.
Here are some real-life examples of how some parents summarised their issue in one sentence:
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‘I want to talk about how we can get Nadia to start her homework early enough so that she goes
to bed on time.’
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‘I don’t want the children having endless biscuits for tea any more.’
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'We need to do something about the kids bickering so much – it’s driving me mad!’ ‘I caught Harry texting under the covers last night.’
- Until the timer goes ding, you and your partner will alternate coming up with proposals for possible solutions.
- Each of you needs to state your proposal in one sentence only, with no explanation of why you want this solution, and no attempt to persuade your partner that this is the right solution. (Remember: you’ve said all that before, and it didn’t get you what you want.)
- Any proposal that you both like becomes part of the solution.
- If you don’t like your partner’s proposal, you are not allowed to reject it or argue about it. Instead, you have to make a counter-proposal. Here’s an example:
- Father: ‘Let’s take their phones away at bedtime so they can’t keep texting under the covers.’
- Mother: ‘Instead of us taking them physically, let’s have the children put their phones in our room to charge overnight. That way they’ll be learning self-reliance.’
- Keep alternating coming up with proposals until together you reach a compromise you can both accept or until the fifteen minutes are up.
- Both parents should write down all the proposals. Write each proposal down exactly the way the sentence was said, using exactly the same words. That way there can be no room for misinterpretation.
Because you must take turns, and because each person can only say one sentence during their turn, it’s impossible for one parent to monopolise the process while the other parent remains silent and passive, and possibly sceptical and resentful.
Most of the time you will find that you can reach an agreement about what to do about a family problem even before the fifteen minutes is up. You’ll get clear on the specifics of who, what, when, where, and how, so you’ll both feel that you’re on solid ground. As a result, you will feel less defensive or apologetic or nervous when you explain to your children about a new rule or routine. You will be able to explain the new plan clearly and calmly. You’ll be feeling much more confident that you can persevere and insist.
Of course, the rules and routines you come up with together will be a work in progress. No matter how carefully you think things through in advance, there are bound to be some little wrinkles that didn’t occur to you when you were doing the Solution Talk, or some unusual circumstances that pop up unexpectedly.
As real life rears its complicated and messy head, you may find that one of you wants to revise or tweak the rules and routines you’ve both agreed on. Even if you’re tempted to unilaterally make new rules (or threaten dire consequences), don’t! Instead, wait until you’re together and do another Solution Talk to iron out those details so that you can maintain your United Front.
Occasionally when the timer rings at the end of fifteen minutes you won’t have come up with an agreed solution. But you still need to stop at the end of the fifteen minutes. Then the next day you simply carry on the Solution Talk from where you got to the day before. Use your verbatim notes of who said what so that you can easily pick up where you left off.
A Solution Talk example
One couple, who attended a ‘Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting’ course, recorded one of their first Solution Talks:
- Mother: ‘Let’s talk about breakfast.’
- Father: ‘What’s the problem? Don’t make a problem when there isn’t one.’
- Mother: ‘There is a problem for me, because I’m here. They’re too busy watching cartoons to eat properly. Tom takes forever to finish, and then he plays when he should be getting dressed. And Wendy…’
- Father: ‘Wait. No more problems! Let’s just solve what you said. We can talk about the other stuff tomorrow.’
- Mother: ‘OK. Solutions. Umm . . . Really I know we should keep the TV off while they’re eating.’
- Father: ‘Why do they need to watch it at all in the morning? I would be happy if the TV didn’t go on at all in the morning. Then you could actually have a conversation.’
- Mother: ‘But, but . . . OK. They’ll make a fuss . . . but I guess they’ll get used to it.’
- Father: ‘And then they can concentrate on their cereal.’
- Mother: ‘One mum in the class said that now she makes her children get completely dressed before breakfast. Even put their backpacks by the door. And hair brushed.’
- Mother: ‘Stay positive!'
- Father: (Groans) ‘OK. Positive... Let‘s try it.’
- Mother: ‘For how long? Two weeks?’
- Father: ‘Yeah. Two weeks. What if they don’t finish eating and it’s time to leave?’
- Mother: ‘I’ll get them up ten minutes earlier.’
- Father: ‘OK. But let’s tell them first. Otherwise it’s not fair.’
- Mother: ‘Let’s give them a countdown that it’ll start on Wednesday. So they have two more days of morning TV. Then no more.’
- Father: ‘Hey, time’s up! We stayed positive!’
The idea of Solution Talks was still new to this couple; you can see that they didn’t follow the format exactly. But they still came up with a set of compromises in record time. That’s because they (mostly) reined in their usual habits of complaining, arguing, going off on a tangent, and trying to persuade each other.
Take heart from the above example; you don’t need to do your Solution Talks perfectly. You just need to practise. The more you practise, the more skilled you will become at Solution Talks, and the more effective they will be.
Here’s a bonus: Once you experience for yourselves just how painless a Solution Talk is, and how effective, you may find you start using this strategy for non-parenting issues as well.
Clients have found that Solution Talks are useful for another category of issues. In addition to problems that parents disagree about, it can also be used for problems or questions that neither parent knows how to tackle or solve. The Solution Talk process helps each parent to clarify their thoughts. Parents have told me that doing Solution Talks has saved them hours of stress and arguing about where to go on holiday, whether to have elective surgery or not, how to manage nosy in-laws, how to decide on a budget, whether to change careers, etc.
How often should you do Solution Talks?
Be willing to do a Solution Talk every day until you find that you have no more unresolved issues, no more uncomfortable little pebbles in your shoe. Given human nature and the fact that ‘Opposites attract’, that day will probably never dawn. So I encourage you to settle into the habit of doing a fifteen-minute Solution Talk every day, and very soon you’ll enjoy the relief of being a United Front.
Strategy Two for achieving and maintaining a United Front:
- Descriptive Praise
As you probably already know, it’s all too easy when you’re exhausted or preoccupied to forget to focus on your relationship as a couple. This is true whether you both work outside of the home or are stay-at-home parents. Concerns about COVID, worries about work, dealing with the children’s behaviour, homework and school issues, house maintenance and repairs, errands, finances – these can take their toll on your patience and positivity and sense of wellbeing. Faced with these stresses, all too often parents end up pushing the couple relationship to the sidelines.
One of the best ways to reconnect as a couple and to become more united is to start a new habit of verbally appreciating each other every day. This feels good for both of you, the parent who does the praising as well as the parent who receives the praise.
Descriptive Praise is the type of verbal appreciation that I recommend. Descriptive Praise consists of taking a few moments to say exactly what it is that you appreciate about your partner. This type of praise is more honest than the typical over-the-top superlatives that we’re so familiar with, but that we generally don’t really believe. And because Descriptive Praise is so specific, it gives your partner very useful information about what to do again to get more of your appreciation.
So instead of saying, ‘You’re so wonderful with the kids’ (which doesn’t take into account the inevitable times when that’s not true) you would say something more specific, such as, ‘Ben and Daisy said that story you told them last night was really funny’.
In my audiobook about this highly practical and successful strategy, I explain how to use Descriptive Praise for your children and which you can easily adapt to help you verbalise your appreciation of your partner, and also for yourself! Start today elevating your feel-good, motivating approach to your whole family by accessing the audiobook here.
Descriptive Praises can feel awkward and embarrassing at first because generally we’re not used to saying them or receiving them. But be willing to persevere with practising this style of praise because it has many benefits:
- Focusing on each other’s positive qualities will remind you that you like each other.
- Using Descriptive Praise with your partner will help you both become a stronger United Front.
- Being specific with your praises can rekindle romance.
- Praising your partner, and being praised, can make the less pleasant aspects of your daily grind more tolerable.
- And praising each other regularly sets an excellent example for your children about how to express appreciation.
Strategy Three for achieving and maintaining a United Front:
- Weekly dates and nightly half-hour dates
Sometimes a client complains to me that so much tension and anger have built up between the parents over the years that one or both no longer really want to get united. One remedy for this problem is to set aside time for both parents to focus on the couple relationship.
Weekly dates
Therapists and marriage counsellors have been recommending weekly date nights for more than half a century. Sadly, many parents have received this advice but haven’t acted on it. When the daily grind is getting you down and you’re feeling too tired or too fed up to go on a date with your partner, that’s exactly when you need to force yourself to get dressed up and go out with your partner. I frequently hear from parents who are very thankful that they made the effort. Not only will you have a good time, but it will help you to be more united.
Of course, COVID has changed things. During the winter months and wet days you may not want to go to a crowded venue. But you can still have your weekly date; it may need to be at home sometimes, and you may need to be more imaginative to make it feel special. The important thing about the weekly date is that, once your children are in bed, you’ll be devoting the whole evening to doing something together as a couple.
The ground rules for a weekly date are:
- no talking about the children
- no talking about problems
- no screens
Nightly half-hour dates
In addition to the weekly date night, I also recommend that on all the evenings that you and your partner are both at home, and as soon as the children are in bed, you take half an hour (or more) just to be together. I call this the nightly half-hour date. As with the weekly date, during this sacred half-hour you are not allowed to talk about the children or about problems, and no electronics. (Of course you can watch TV with your partner, but not during your dates.)
Activities for your dates
If you’re stumped for what you and your partner could do together for half an hour every evening, here’s what some of my clients have told me they’ve enjoyed doing:
- cooked together and ate together
- sat on the sofa and held hands while they listened to music
- danced
- went out to the garden for a breath of fresh air
- took a stroll around the neighbourhood (for those families whose children were old enough to be left alone)
- played cards and board games
- did yoga together
- looked at old photographs of their younger selves
- read to each other
- learned about each other’s hobbies
- started a new hobby together
- cuddled
The nightly half-hour date has numerous benefits. It reduces stress, enabling parents to feel more relaxed and energised throughout the day; this will help you to be more positive, more firm, and more consistent in your parenting.
This nightly date with your partner will do your relationship a world of good. Parents tell me that it helps them to recapture the feelings that brought them together in the first place. Spending this dedicated time together every evening strengthens the couple relationship that existed before the children came along and that will exist after the children grow up and leave home.
Not only are the two kinds of dates enjoyable, but they also help to reduce tension between you and your partner. Parents consistently report that these weekly and nightly dates re-motivate them to pay attention to the needs of their partner and to be more willing to listen to each other.
The weekly date is something parents look forward to all week, and the nightly half-hour date is the highlight of the day for many parents.
Strategy Four for achieving and maintaining a United Front:
- Helping each other to be accountable
Whether you’ve discovered the ‘Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting’ strategies from my books and audiobooks, or from our free resources (videos, podcasts, ebooks, and articles), another useful way to forge a United Front is to sit down together and think about the new parenting strategies you’ve been learning.
There are four particular strategies that you need to be using almost constantly:
- Preparing for Success
- Descriptive Praise
- Special Time
- Reflective Listening
Ask yourselves how consistently you’ve been applying each of the strategies to the family issues that are troubling you. Be honest with each other. Let your partner know which of the strategies you need support with, and find out which strategies your partner would appreciate your support with. Then make a habit of using Descriptive Praise to encourage each other to practise those strategies more and more consistently. Working together in this way helps maintain your United Front. |